The Importance of Effective Co-Parenting

        Have you ever found yourself arguing with your significant other over your child’s behavior? You’re too lenient! It’s your fault they act like this! Why don’t you step up and do something with him! This is your fault, you babied him too much! Those are actual quotes from arguments between my children’s father and me. While honest it’s shameful to admit how much we used to fight, argue, and blame each other for our childrens behavior.
The importance of co parenting to me is not easily measurable. If you haven’t been on both sides (effective and ineffective) it may be difficult to understand what it is and the greatness of the impact on your life. When I evaluate things (as I often do) the way that me and my significant partner are now vs. this time last year are like night and day. We communicate more and privately. We consult each other prior to making decisions regarding our children. We spend more time conversing vs. arguing. We stopped blaming each other for the problems our children are faced with and started coming up with solutions together. Our children know Mom AND Dad make decisions not Mom OR Dad. Troiani, after receiving my usual “I have to talk to Dad first” response once said “Do you have to talk to Dad about everything?” I replied “Yes”. I let the eye rolling slide because inside I was overjoyed that our children were realizing they can no longer divide us.
Our differences in parenting styles and techniques began to divide us as couple. If I were to put our old parenting styles in categories I would be the authoritarian and he the indulgent parent. I was strict with rules, harsh with punishments, and didn’t spend enough time enjoying my children. I allowed their behaviors to dictate how I treated them. On the other hand their father NEVER told our children no. He enjoyed them too much by allowing them to do whatever they wanted, wherever they were. In his opinion kids are kids and adults should mold to their needs. In my opinion children are reflection of their parents, and Lord forbid someone thinks I am raising animals not children. He didn’t have an understanding of what structure and discipline were. I felt I had to be extra strict to make up for his lackadaisical attitude. I would make a rule of no TV and come home and my house is a wreck and everyone is watching TV. Or I would overhear that he promised them something that I was totally against. More often I heard it from my children and not from him. Screaming would commence, kids would be sent to bed and Dad would storm out. Eventually our household and relationship were in shambles.
When both parents lack consistency in their parenting, emotionally intelligent children pick up on it and monopolize it. There was a point in time in Troiani’s life where she didn’t speak to me. Everything she wanted/needed she would ask her father. If he wasn’t home she would wait and as soon as he walked in, pounce on him with her requests. Looking back now I know he was always more receptive to listening and indulging vs. me who wanted good behavior as payment for any requests. Our children learned that Dad was more open to allowing them to do certain things while I would always say no.  They knew that I controlled the pocketbook and would always ask me for expensive presents vs. Dad because in their eyes, “Dad is cheap”. I would buy the $200 game systems that I would later take away then Dad would let them play them saying I should have bought them if I didn’t want them to play with them. That division and inconsistency in our home led to us fighting one another rather than working together to close the gaps.
These are some of the signs of ineffective co parenting:
 
ü      Poor communication
ü      Imbalance in responsibilities within the household
ü      Chaotic, unstructured home
ü      Lack of emotional control during arguments
ü      Public criticism and disparaging remarks
 
Healthy home environments are very important for a child with behavioral difficulties. If parents can agree upon basic issues such as privileges, rules, and routines, it will be much more beneficial for you, the child, and your relationship.
Your home is like a business and in order for it to be effective and productive all of the members should work smoothly with one another. I am not saying that co parenting will keep your relationship together or that will be the solution to your child’s problems. What I am saying is: build your support system using resources you already have. With all of the things regarding your child that you have no control over, take advantage of the ones you do. Every set of parents have the ability to co parent and do so effectively. While difficult at first it is what’s best for your family and here is no loss in building these skills.
How did we turn our chaotic home into a more structured one? WE embraced that we needed help, WE went to classes, WE read books, WE talked, WE evaluated what we wanted from our children, WE devised ways to get it, WE came up with the rules, WE came up with the consequences, WE celebrated successes, WE got better as individuals, then better as a couple, leading to being better as parents. With effective co parenting we have a much better family than we previously did. In the end the choice will also be yours, but as I stated there is no fail in effective co parenting.